We don’t appreciate the need for and the power of the dynamic Center in our materialistic world, but I did, somehow, from the very start. As a young man I was tormented by a loss of center. For the child the Father is the Center, the direct emissary of God, and what do you do when Center,father and god reject you, find you lacking and not measuring up. Why you begin the Quest for your True Center, but like the caterpillar you have no idea what your butterfly is.
The journey reached a climax in 1968 when sleeping while listening to a tape of Krishnamurti, I awoke in my true center, and the old personality I went to sleep with had totally died. Being was now my center. I was like Jake Sully in Avatar when he awoke in his new body. However, this True Center did not last and the old center, my conflicted mind returned only now with the remembrance of my awakening as its center. A memory became my center and I wanted it back.
Thus my Quest for the Center was a quest an external center that would stabilize my life, give me purpose, and restore my true nature. I would become a Presbyterian minister. However, that quest was fortunately snapped in the bud before the weed grew, and rejected from seminary and moved with intense passion and purpose into the Yoga ministry. I would be a yoga teacher, a Center Leader, and the Swami Rama, the Indian master that I met was my dynamic center and the source of my center. I even had a dramatic experience of transference when walking next to him a hologram of my father, my childhood center, came out of him and returned. I watched visually the transference of father as center to Rama as spiritual father. However, he died a few years later.
Unable to get acceptance and verification from my yoga teacher of the Light of Yoga Society, I left, went back home to Virginia and drove a meat truck, until my quest for the center returned, and I eventually ended up, back in Cleveland, as a devotee of Swami Muktananda, who promised his devotees, if they so desire that they could open a Siddha Meditation Center. I would be a Siddha Meditation Center leader. I felt as though I had found my Center and purpose and affirmation. But Muktananda also died and so did my center.
For almost a decade I was in psychic torment, unable to restore my center, unable to create my center. I was Lost, and subject to psychic dramas. Then I found my center as a newspaper writer in Blackstone, and the Editor was my father/center. But when his son came to work there my mythic dependence upon the Editor as my Center collapsed and I had to leave.
I then made a break through and started my photograph business, and for the first time I was my own center, my own boss. However, this Center did not satisfy my longing for my true center, my spiritual center, if you will, to be the Son of the Father, not in name and institutional credential but in truth, in my being.
While at Yogaville, my quest for Center was activated, and in a few years I opened the Blackstone Yoga Center, with pictures of Swami Satchitananda on the walls. I felt I was an outpost of Yogaville, and once again I had a spiritual dynamic center and guru. However, again, even though Swami Satchitananda had dies some time ago, the center could not hold. The Dharma or Force was not there. The Center had no power.
My Quest went deeper, as a process of elimination. Every time I created a new Center dependent upon an external dynamic center as source, I found that was not it. Not this….not this…has been my path to my true Center.
What I discovered was that as long as I had an image of myself, I needed to have an external power center to support and affirm my image as something special. But no institution, guru, religion, ideology, or spiritual tradition would give me that affirmation, because what I got never compared to my original awakening back in 1968. Nope, this is not it.
As if the Heart Sutra of Zen were the Pirate’s Plank, I am walking off the end with no external support, no guru or god to catch me. Where is my center? Ah….it has no boundary. Ah….it has no weight…it can’t be measured. It cannot be found on the space/time grid of material reality.
Our. True Center is a creative center, a dynamic center that creates itself on the go using whatever conditions supply. Wherever you are, when this center is activated, you are at home because you create your home, you create the world you live in as a friendly hospitable place. You are the world and the world is you. You don’t live in a world that is given as its victim (although you can); you live in the world as you create it to be, but not as something better than it is, no, you create it as it is. You create yourself s the world, without boundaries, and without self image. Once you create. yourself as a self image, as a thing on the space/time grid, you divide, you fragment your world and that, says the Buddha is the cause of our discontent.
The Quest for your True Center is to eliminate as your find them every new skin of image that you create, thinking it is the final Center. When you are the world and the world is you, you have no center with a circumference. Wherever you are, that is the center, that is. your Spot. Unlike Sheldon Cooper you don’t need a sofa.