I have had a good insight into my own life as I wrote this morning. I am my father. My father is me. The good and the bad; the conscious and the unconscious. So I never felt my father respected my true nature, when I set out in the world I created the conditions where I would not have my true nature respected, just like my father did not. I kept affirming my father’s disrespect in new and unusual ways. That was all I knew. I knew that I needed to earn that respect from the world (which was now my father) in order to be who I am, my true nature.
But that’s the trap. I needed the world father to respect me, and because I needed that, the world will never respect me, since I create the world pattern in which is don’t get respect so I can keep chasing it. If I got respect, I would not need it, but father/son pattern is that I get no respect so I must try and get it, over and over, and each cycle greater than that other.
So after I left the institutional blowout, I took the pattern to a higher level, seeking respect as a meditation teacher in Blackstone. I would fly one kite program after another hoping this one would fly.
The irony is that when I let go of one floor in the tower of patterns, I would find myself on another floor doing the same pattern. Karma is a spiral staircase.