I was trying to describe several things at once here, so let me try to bring some clarity to the talk as I finish my martini. Two ideas here: marriages and relationship are games or patterns because without the pattern or memory of the other, we would have to fresh every morning. Yet, we long for a fresh start in our marriages because we feel bogged down in the memory and pattern that repeated itself through time.
I’m especially Thankful this Thanksgiving because I was able to see totally and even name it, my Better/Better Game with my wife. When you can name your Game and write about it, you are on the way to being free from it unconscious grip. The games we play are unconscious. Not that the games are bad, it just that when they are unconscious they are painful because…its the unconsciousness that is the suffering. Not the game. When I am partially, slightly, or greatly unconscious my degree of suffering is measure by the degree of unconsciousness.
My mind is split into conscious ME and unconscious me, and my unconscious me is not going to stay unconscious but it’s going to project itself onto my partner and came at me. She is trying to make me more conscious. I’m defending my unconscious me. The reality is the I am split into two halves, one that is conscious me trying to get power in the game, and the other who is also me, trying to get me to wake up and restore my Onenes…which is Love. Your partner is doing the same thing. The equation is like this conscious/unconscious versus unconscious/conscious. Whatever your do to her, you are doing to yourself simultaneously because the dance is in sync like Fred and Ginger, but from your and her position if feels out of sync.
It is vital for our health and happiness that we become curious to connect the Dots and make the unconscious conscious. I call this connecting the Dead Dot that we don’t see from the view of the game. When we connect enough dots, the gestalt or total picture of the relationship rises. SNAP! You have a mini satori and you solve the Zen Koan.
We all have Zen Mind, or Buddha Nature, but this is the Eye of Awareness that can see our games from the sidelines or up in the stands where we can see both sides interacting. Zen Eye watches without judgment or comment. Just awareness, while consciousness (Me) is playing the game against the other, struggling to me the One who gets to choose. As long as both players are firmly and unconsciously invested in their Team ME, the game will continue because each. blames the other for the game. No matter who gets defined as aggressor and victim in the game, both rise simultaneously. Both dance equally together, usually one leading aggressively and the other leading passively. No one is innocent in this dance. Both are innocent/guilty.
The Zen Mind SNAPS when you see that in all relationships you are just dancing with yourself reflected in the other. When Love Snaps into place the divergent pieces fit together as ONE, and you hug yourself in the other. Your Other is you Whole Self made personal as in form just so you can embrace yourself and love yourself as you.
Let there be one is the commandment of Love.