My Name is Prabhakar!

MY NAME IS PRABHAKAR! Oh, this was a good talk. I have just outed myself. Giver of Light! That’s my name. I own it. I no longer bury it in my dresser drawer, an artifact of a past light, a memory of a light to come, a forgotten dream…I call my Name. Speak but the word and your soul will be healed, says my favorite Catholic prayer. Your Name is you Word. When you Name yourself, you call yourself into existence. When your parents named you, they called you into existence, and when people call your name, you raise your hand and say HERE!

But your historical Name gets tangled in ambiguity, in karma, in regrets and doubts, and I get confused. When my name is called, do I rise up or cross my arms and hold back.

Yesterday is a good example. We went to an opening of an artifact museum and I held back. Do I have to go? I’ve seen those arrow heads before. Okay….I’ll go, said Ed Conley. I surrendered to the will of wife and family. I let go of Ed Conley, the old resister, the one who never shows up for the moment.

While I was there, having brought Ed Conley, I wondered how long we would have to stay. But then the exhibit began to reveal its wonder, and the food was fantastic, and I had two pieces of pie. And I began to talk to people, making light, making jokes, and suddenly, Ed Conley was gone…but who was there? We left I realized that the expectations of the old Ed Conley had been shot and killed by a mysterious arrow. I had been the prey of someone. Who was that?

This morning I know who it was PRABHAKAR had killed Ed Conley. Shot him dead and stuffed him and put him on the wall with the other deer heads in the museum. God is a Hunter and he shot me dead. God is a fisherman and he pulled Ed Conley out of the water and then threw him back in the water of the world, now bathed in the light with a new name PRABHAKAR!

When Prabhakar writes and speak, his words have wings of light. When Ed Conley speaks, this words cast a shadow of doubt and fear of what people will think. Ed Conley casts a shadow on the Timeless Prabhakar. But no shadow can stand up to light. In Ed Conley’s world, light is momentary, brief glimpses from the night. But in the world of Prabhakar, the sun never sets for light cannot see its own boundary.

I suppose now that Prabhakar is out of the closet where Ed Conley has been hiding, they will have to learn to live together as One. Night and day, Inside and outside of the closet, you are the One.

How can day and night, Prabhakar and Ed Conley learn to live together? How can the heart and mind—Prabhakar lives in the heart, Ed Conley lives in the mind—be One yet still Two?

Here is the Zen Koan: If. you choose Ed Conley, you are wrong; if you choose Prabhakar you are wrong: now CHOOSE or you will suffering guilt and shame. How can I live in time and out of time at the same time?

If I live totally in time, which is what is expected in our time bound culture, I am guilty for turning away from the timeless. If I live totally in the timeless, I am guilty for turning away from the reality of time and form. This is a lose/lose choice. So, obviously, I cannot choose my way out of this dilemma.

AHAH! when I see that…who is seeing that? Prabhakar is seeing that. Ed Conley is still here, but he is transparent to Prabhakar. The light of the timeless shines through the forms of time. The world once again becomes luminous and a chidful of wonder.

These last years on FB and now FB live, my fingers have been doing the writing, and when Live, my tongue does the talking…who is doing the writing and talking? Now I know. Prabhakar.

From now on when I write or speak my Word, I shall say Prabhakar did it. Ed Conley is not responsible. Ed Conley never did it. Ed Conley is innocent of what Prabhakar says or write. Ed Conley doesn’t know where Prabhakar is coming from. He doesn’t have have a picture of Prabhakar. If you look at the sun your Ed Conley eyes are going to get burned.