Monday again and the Great Garden Tour comes closer. The tour lady called last night to see if I was worried or panicking, and I couldn’t help her. If people see flaws in my house, they will see flaws. I’ll fix what I can, but what I can’t fix I leave. Flaws are what I am. There is no such things as a flawless world or person. No thing is without flaws, unless it is my coffee maker.
So question this morning is how can I live in a flaw filled world without being upset with the flaws. The world is ambiguous: the world if Flaw/Not Flaw. It can’t be one or the other—unless we choose it to be one or the other. And since it the world is ambiguously both, we cannot choose it to be different than it really it. However if we try to choose to separate the Flaw from the Not-Flaw….we create the greatest Flaw of all. The Flaw that cannot heal.
Here on this hill top with you, we can look over this field of ambiguity where, like a football game, each side looks exactly like the other. It is only on the field that the other side is the flaw, and my side is the Not-Flaw. These two teams battle to arrive at a goal where the tension and the pain of the combat will end. It is not the Promised Land, the football win, that we are really after. What we are really after is the cessation of the wound in my mind/body created by the belief that I can separate the Flaw from the Not-Flaw. I believe that I will be, that I can be, unconditionally loved when I am flawless. Who will love me as flawed, I ask ike a child with a hair-lip. I will, therefore, earn love, earn respect, and become flawless. I will cover up this flaw so no one can see it.
I use “hair-lip” because my father has this flaw. It was repaired but I do believe the wound never healed. He passed it on to me, as fathers always do with their sons. The Flaw takes our own form, but the Pain of the Flaw is universal and is actually formless. Pain as pain has no form. Pain as me has a form and this pain is held in place by my Story of Me. So I look back over my life from this hill top, and I see the game of kicking the pain down the road of time, recreating it form after form, chapter after chapter, in my Book of Me. Because I’m not able to get rid of this Flaw that I can’t see. We can’t see our hair-lip unless we look in a mirror. There it is when I make myself into an object, into an image and judge myself as having a flaw.
Now I am split between the Awareness from inside my head as subject that cannot see the hair-lip, and the awareness OF the hairlip in the mirror as object. Ah….here is the real wound. I have split myself into two selves: one without flaw and one with a flaw. One without a hairlip (before the mirror) and one with a hairlip (me in the mirror). This is the real split lip. And I keep biting myself all through life, splitting my own lip, splitting my own image. But I don’t realize I’m biting myself; I think the world is biting me. Or I think I am the cause of the hair-lips pain. But the pain is not in the hair-lip but in my splitting myself into Flaw/Not-Flaw. I create rituals and refuges where I can regain my center and wholeness and feel free from the Flaw of my personality. I take refuge in writing, for here I am free. We all have our Freedom Zones.
This Me that is two, however, cannot stand because I must be One. Where is this One if not now as I look in the mirror and split myself. This One is in the future. I must get to the One, by any means. But just when I think I have arrived and become the One Self, I look in the mirror of the mind and there it is: That damned Hair Lip. No matter what I do to rid myself of the Hair Lip, it is there in all that I do.
If you look at my father’s picture you can see the scar on the upper lip. He always said he cut in on some glass as a child.